Lesser of a proverbs 31 woman

today marks the last day of my secret ambition to be a proverbs 31 woman, the sole provider to the daily needs of my husband and children. coincidentally today is mothers' day and also the start of 'that day' of the month.
tomorrow, my family will be welcoming a new member into our home, our helper whom we engaged to help around the household chores and hopefully prepare meals for the family.
probably around 7 years ago, I've made a decision to give up a career that I'm kind of excelling in to be that support at home while Gabriel works to support the financial part of the family. It was kind of a collaborative plan that we derived and it made total sense as I am better with things at home and with kids than he is. And with me watching the home front, he can be dispatched to 'battle war' anytime. There was never a point that I felt lesser in our roles as I strongly believe that as long as I have his back covered, he can give his best at work and also in church. It's a team effort and our team spirit is strong.
so for the last few years, my job is to ensure that everything at home is properly managed. I take charge of the family accounts, meals, education, maintenance, events including all the family gatherings and also manages family's appointments. I work as gab's pa, reminding him of upcoming ministry needs, reminding him that he needs to meet up with some people or plan some overdue meetings etc etc. my secret desire of a modern proverb woman... I took much pride in being that.
fast forward to today. as i took on my new job, things become slightly different. i begin to realise that i cannot be all in all. i can't even be 3-in-1. my 24 hours do not allow me to fulfil the 3 main duties - work, family, household needs. let allow the many other duties i have to fulfil as a friend, a daughter, a teacher, a listener etc etc. God has been preparing me for this day and i know i have to give up something. the day when i started this search for a household helper, i already knew i am going to relinquish this portion of my role to someone else. this very role that i regarded very highly because my love language to show love to others is by serving. i took pride in washing my family's clothes, in keeping the house neat, in exploring and cooking meals that my family would love. i saw it as my duty as a wife and mother that my family comes home daily with a balanced meal that will make them grow physically. i ensure i watch their diet so that they have a healthy body to fulfil their duties outside the home. all these very very deep passion of mine, i am getting myself ready to slowly transit to someone new to me and my family.
someone new. yes, i am going to pass such highly regarded, very important duties to someone new, i have never met before. i have to entrust such dear things to me to her. it felt like i am giving up a part of my love for my family to a mistress, a deputy mother & wife of this home. (hahahahahaha... yes... what a strange way of putting it).
so today on mother's day, i m a wreck. i cannot reconcile these conflicting emotion of 'yes! my help is coming tomorrow.' and 'ok. tomorrow onwards i m giving the keys (to manage my home) to someone else'
well... so it comes to this final point... why do i want to get a helper then? of course precisely cause i needed help. as i lay down all my current responsibilities, maintaining the cleanliness and doing laundry duties every night is certainly not high in priority. for gab to come home tired every night and still have to handle dishes and trash is also not high in priority. after battling the whole day at work, we both need to come home to be that parent to our children and spouse to each other. we need to rest our body to continue working the next day or have time to reflect that day's event rather than to work to our bones on the lowest priority chores at home. all these chores need to be handled by someone else. and we thank God for his providence, we could afford a helper.
so i guess having a helper is now a need. and though i have to give up that part of MY JOB to someone else, i need to see this as a learning moment.
1) be ready to release things that we hold dearly to. work, ministry, children etc. this is exactly what i always remind myself, all the time. if it is time for my children to leave my side, please let go of my hands. if it is time for me to relinquish my duties in ministry, please humbly let go. yet this very low priority job makes me all emo for a couple of days. ( i decided to blog this so that i remind myself to let go let go let go. when it is time to let go, just let go.)
2) i shouldn't try to be everything and everywhere. God gave me this amount of talent in every season. i invested on being that sole provider of my family. those are the talents God gave me in that season. i multiplied them and i believed God is pleased with whatever i had done for the family. in these few years, we upgrade our house, multiplied the no of family members, seen our children grown in many areas of their lives, served in several ministries that God called us to. now in this season, God is giving me a new set of talents. i have to be that faithful servant to know what his plan is for me and work according to his will and his plans. he planted a new member in my family to take over and give her a set of talents which she has to multiply by serving the family she is being employed to. i m going to help her succeed in being that faithful servant too by kindly giving her the space to work out her potential in her employment. i need to empower her on her duties and not watch over her shoulders and constantly feel that i could do a better job than her.
3) do not make my home/house my idol. hahaha... subconsciously, we idolised. and this afternoon, i just spoke about not to make rearing children an idol and i realised that i might have idolised the idea of being that sole provider to all the needs of my family. i might have idolised the idea of being able to handle everything. i might have idolised the idea of being a supermum.

ok... as u can tell... i sorted my thoughts out. thank God for that hot shower that i could pour out my tears that were buried in my burdened heart. and as the hot tears (or maybe hot shower) flow down with the hot shower, thoughts like these are revealed and precious revelations are surfaced. and as i went to read proverbs 31 again, actually i may not be lesser a proverbs woman (based on v 15, proverb woman has female servantssss).
as forgetful human, who i am definitely one, i need to quickly note all these lessons down. cos i know one day, these lessons will need to be reminded again.

Rejoining my Father & sister at the reunion table

Col 1:9-11 ...asking God to fill you with the knowledge of His will in 

all spiritual wisdom and understanding, 

so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord 

and please him in every way: 

bearing fruit in every good work, 

growing in the knowledge of God, 

being strengthened with all power 

according to His glorious might so that 

you may have full endurance and patience, and joyfully...

Phil 2:14-16 ...Do everything without complaining or arguing, 

so that you may be blameless and pure,

children of God without fault in a crooked and perverse generation, 

in which you shine as lights in the world as you hold forth the word of life, 

in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain...

What is one thing I fear most as I lived as a disciple of Christ? Several years ago (actually many years ago, time flies without me realising it) when I had decided to be serious with my relationship with God, I knew one thing that I am very concerned about is to live a life blameless and pleasing to the Lord. Everything that I do, I seek to please the Lord cos everything will come down to nothing if it doesn't please my Lord, my God, my Abba Father. I am all out to be a God-pleaser. And somewhere along the way, I've learnt that pleasing God is not about the things we do (or not do), rather the attitude of our hearts. It's about the heart of worship, the posture of our daily lives, are we in the position of continuous surrender and continuous worship with a right heart.
During my study of Revelation last year, I came across Rev 20 which mentioned that our deeds were recorded in a book, which will be opened when we all come before the judge. Knowing the Father's heart, I somehow sensed that the deeds is secondary but the attitude in which we carried out these deeds is the primary thing that will be recorded and which we have to account for. While the deeds do earn us some brownie points, the attitude in which they are carried out will be the one which earn us some crowns or a big bungalow in heaven. Therefore, in my daily life, I seek to live this blameless life that is pleasing to the Lord.
Beginning of this year, I listened to the teaching from Benny Ho on the fear of the Lord. Prov 9:10 "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Now even to start having the knowledge of our God and in having that wisdom and understanding of our God, there comes something before all these. And that's to have the fear of the Lord. In having the fear of the Lord, to me, is to be in reverence of the Lord. To know that God is God and I have to take Him as God that I worship and not someone whom I can fool around with. "This fear of the Lord opens up the treasure box of wisdom and knowledge of understanding" (extracted from Benny's message) and without the fear of the Lord, we fall into the danger of the evil snares.
So this is the prime part of today's blog, something that I want to put down on record to remember and remind myself how easy I can be the target of my deceitful heart. I confessed in cell group today regarding an episode of my wrong attitude in my heart. A seed of envy & bitterness that was unknowingly planted some time ago which I could break free from as I confessed my wrongs before a trusted group of friends. As we studied the 2 characters of 'Prodigal God', I realised that I fell into the category of the 'elder brother' as I felt that it wasn't fair that God spoke to a sister, who was away from God for some time, who spoke hurtful words to me, who wasn't serving as I slogged and endured all the hardship and at the same time 'served' and be there for her, so intimately, yet God didn't speak to me the same way that He did to her (or at least that what I thought). I (think) I knew I was entangled in this hard feelings for a couple of weeks, yet I felt that my feelings were justifiable because she had done me wrong by hurting me.
As the evening unfolds, as we shared about the attitude of the elder brother. As we discussed and agreed that this attitude is something that is extremely unpleasing to God and that's why Jesus used this parable not to actually bring out the wrongs of the younger brother who left and returned but rather the fact that the big brother who was also with the Father, yet far away from the Father at the same time. While the younger brother did left the Father, he had returned to the Father's side and the relationship had been restored. But the elder brother, by refusing to be part of the feast to celebrate his younger brother's return was truly the one who was far from the Father and outside the Father's house.
Then the amazing part that touched me was that the Father came out to plead with the elder brother to come in and join in the feast. The feast is not over. But if I do not return into the house, I might truly missed out on the great feast which my Father wanted me to be part of too. And if I do not return to the house, I might truly be standing out of His house just watching and brewing more bitterness while the feast continues in the house. Where do I want to be? If I want to live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, then I need to return to the Father. And so this evening, I confessed my wrong attitude as a big brother. And I thank God that He revealed this very subtle part of me which could possible go hidden for the rest of my life and man, what will I be missing out at the feast? 

Presence

Struggles struggles, struggles are so real in each day of our lives. We are bounded by our struggles because they are the kind that drag you down into the water the more you try to break free. The wounds get deeper and it hurts more when we engage into this break free mode from the struggle.

Over the past few months, I struggled with the fact that I do not what I'm doing. I'm not sure if I'm doing right what I'm doing. I'm pretty much going through the motion, following instructions and as much as God's presence has been strong in my life, yet I felt Him missing the area of the ministry, this particular part which I am struggling the most and seeking Him most earnestly, He is missing, He went MIA, He went comms silent. Every moment, I dug myself into His presence, trying so ever hard to hear from the Lord, "what God?" "what's next?" "how how? Like that can?" But this particular part of my seeking was just ... ... ...

After a long conversation with a friend whom I very frankly revealed this struggle to last night, this morning I woke up, not feeling like I had revelation or whatsoever but the need to get into His presence once again. Just to dwell and be drenched again by the holiness of our God. The need to drink from His living water so that the dry patch will be moist again. The need to sit at His feet and do the one thing that is needful.

"Holy Holy are you Lord
The whole earth is filled with your glory
Let the nations rise to give
Honour and praise to you name

Let your face shine on us
As the world will know you lives

All the heaven shouts your praise
Beautiful is our God
The universe will sing
Hallelujah to you our king"

I love how God works in the way He works.
This morning's prayer devotion (from Tim Keller 14 days prayer devotion) started with the question. Which is the ultimate form of prayer? Is it peaceful adoration or assertive supplication?
It went on to show the Psalmist's way of prayer. First, the primary thing David asked of in his prayer was 'to gaze on the beauty of the Lord'. Holy holy are you Lord. The whole earth is FILLED with your glory. Lord, open my eyes to see the beauty of the Lord and to see the glory that is so evident everywhere. David's greatest desire is to be in the Lord's presence. This is the communion-seeking prayer. A prayer of just being with God. I missed so much just being about to gaze into the beauty of the Lord. Because His love is better than life1.

Next was that David lifted his struggles to the Lord and many times, God did stay silent to David. David will then continue his conversation with God by submitting to God's sovereignty yet continues to wrestle with the Lord. This is kingdom-seeking prayer.

As I sing hallelujah to my king, it's all about ascribing greatness to my King. Giving him glory and honour due to His great and mighty name! The heart of singing hallelujah must be one that fully lift my hands and my heart and my soul, with full gusto, with full conviction that says "HALLELUJAH to you my King!"

1. Psalm 63:1-3 I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

some parts are extracted from Tim Keller Prayer: A 14-Day Devotional