today marks the last day of my secret ambition to be a proverbs 31 woman, the sole provider to the daily needs of my husband and children. coincidentally today is mothers' day and also the start of 'that day' of the month.
tomorrow, my family will be welcoming a new member into our home, our helper whom we engaged to help around the household chores and hopefully prepare meals for the family.
probably around 7 years ago, I've made a decision to give up a career that I'm kind of excelling in to be that support at home while Gabriel works to support the financial part of the family. It was kind of a collaborative plan that we derived and it made total sense as I am better with things at home and with kids than he is. And with me watching the home front, he can be dispatched to 'battle war' anytime. There was never a point that I felt lesser in our roles as I strongly believe that as long as I have his back covered, he can give his best at work and also in church. It's a team effort and our team spirit is strong.
so for the last few years, my job is to ensure that everything at home is properly managed. I take charge of the family accounts, meals, education, maintenance, events including all the family gatherings and also manages family's appointments. I work as gab's pa, reminding him of upcoming ministry needs, reminding him that he needs to meet up with some people or plan some overdue meetings etc etc. my secret desire of a modern proverb woman... I took much pride in being that.
fast forward to today. as i took on my new job, things become slightly different. i begin to realise that i cannot be all in all. i can't even be 3-in-1. my 24 hours do not allow me to fulfil the 3 main duties - work, family, household needs. let allow the many other duties i have to fulfil as a friend, a daughter, a teacher, a listener etc etc. God has been preparing me for this day and i know i have to give up something. the day when i started this search for a household helper, i already knew i am going to relinquish this portion of my role to someone else. this very role that i regarded very highly because my love language to show love to others is by serving. i took pride in washing my family's clothes, in keeping the house neat, in exploring and cooking meals that my family would love. i saw it as my duty as a wife and mother that my family comes home daily with a balanced meal that will make them grow physically. i ensure i watch their diet so that they have a healthy body to fulfil their duties outside the home. all these very very deep passion of mine, i am getting myself ready to slowly transit to someone new to me and my family.
someone new. yes, i am going to pass such highly regarded, very important duties to someone new, i have never met before. i have to entrust such dear things to me to her. it felt like i am giving up a part of my love for my family to a mistress, a deputy mother & wife of this home. (hahahahahaha... yes... what a strange way of putting it).
so today on mother's day, i m a wreck. i cannot reconcile these conflicting emotion of 'yes! my help is coming tomorrow.' and 'ok. tomorrow onwards i m giving the keys (to manage my home) to someone else'
well... so it comes to this final point... why do i want to get a helper then? of course precisely cause i needed help. as i lay down all my current responsibilities, maintaining the cleanliness and doing laundry duties every night is certainly not high in priority. for gab to come home tired every night and still have to handle dishes and trash is also not high in priority. after battling the whole day at work, we both need to come home to be that parent to our children and spouse to each other. we need to rest our body to continue working the next day or have time to reflect that day's event rather than to work to our bones on the lowest priority chores at home. all these chores need to be handled by someone else. and we thank God for his providence, we could afford a helper.
so i guess having a helper is now a need. and though i have to give up that part of MY JOB to someone else, i need to see this as a learning moment.
1) be ready to release things that we hold dearly to. work, ministry, children etc. this is exactly what i always remind myself, all the time. if it is time for my children to leave my side, please let go of my hands. if it is time for me to relinquish my duties in ministry, please humbly let go. yet this very low priority job makes me all emo for a couple of days. ( i decided to blog this so that i remind myself to let go let go let go. when it is time to let go, just let go.)
2) i shouldn't try to be everything and everywhere. God gave me this amount of talent in every season. i invested on being that sole provider of my family. those are the talents God gave me in that season. i multiplied them and i believed God is pleased with whatever i had done for the family. in these few years, we upgrade our house, multiplied the no of family members, seen our children grown in many areas of their lives, served in several ministries that God called us to. now in this season, God is giving me a new set of talents. i have to be that faithful servant to know what his plan is for me and work according to his will and his plans. he planted a new member in my family to take over and give her a set of talents which she has to multiply by serving the family she is being employed to. i m going to help her succeed in being that faithful servant too by kindly giving her the space to work out her potential in her employment. i need to empower her on her duties and not watch over her shoulders and constantly feel that i could do a better job than her.
3) do not make my home/house my idol. hahaha... subconsciously, we idolised. and this afternoon, i just spoke about not to make rearing children an idol and i realised that i might have idolised the idea of being that sole provider to all the needs of my family. i might have idolised the idea of being able to handle everything. i might have idolised the idea of being a supermum.
ok... as u can tell... i sorted my thoughts out. thank God for that hot shower that i could pour out my tears that were buried in my burdened heart. and as the hot tears (or maybe hot shower) flow down with the hot shower, thoughts like these are revealed and precious revelations are surfaced. and as i went to read proverbs 31 again, actually i may not be lesser a proverbs woman (based on v 15, proverb woman has female servantssss).
as forgetful human, who i am definitely one, i need to quickly note all these lessons down. cos i know one day, these lessons will need to be reminded again.
