My 5 loaves and 2 fish

Probably about a year ago, I was doing my BSF homework and that week's topic was on Jesus' ministry and I came to the well known story of the boy with 5 loaves and 2 fish. I have read this story many times and yet, this was the first time that this passage meant so much to me and it jumped out in a very different way.

The 4 gospel books wrote this account in slightly different way, John probably recorded most details of the conversation Jesus had with his disciples. The passage in John 6:5 went this way. Jesus saw the great crowd and asked Philip where can they buy bread for these people. Philip immediately saw the impossible, firstly, it's a great crowd and how could they possibly be able to afford buying bread for all of them. Andrew, another disciple, looked for opportunities and found a boy with 5 loaves of bread and 2 small fish, but his assessment on these resources was that they are too little to feed the great crowd.

Bearing in mind that this happened just after Jesus was healing the sick and early on, Jesus turned water into wine, Jesus' disciples had been hanging around this miracle worker for the whole time and yet their eyes saw only the great crowd (great problem) and concluded that it was not possible to feed them. Philip and Andrew were not unwise and they were not men with no faith. They were merely the reflection of most of us. They saw that they cannot feed the crowd in their most logical analysis based on their resources and so the most practical way was to send them away to get their own food.

As I reflected on this, there were probably countless of times when Jesus asked me to 'feed' his people who were hungry. My responses to those times were very much like Andrew and Philip. "I can't even find time for myself, I can't even feed myself." or "What can I do? I am limited.". Failing to see the miracles that Jesus had performed in my life and in the lives of others, I chose to see the limitation and the impossible task before me. 

The next part was by far the greatest lesson learnt and it had been and still is a constant reminder from time to time as I serve. 

The boy who surrendered his 5 loaves and 2 fish. There were nothing mentioned about the boy who gave his bread and fish, except that he was a boy with 5 small loaves and 2 small fish. As I was meditating on this passage and opening my heart to hear from the Lord, God placed me in the shoes of this boy. He had enough bread and fish for himself and maybe to share with someone sitting beside him. He wasn't affected by the fact that people around him didn't have food to eat. He brought his own food. But when Andrew spotted him and took him out from the crowd, to Jesus, he had to make the choice at that moment, to surrender his food, which were just enough for him, to be shared with the great crowd.  

Thoughts of the boy flooded my head. 

"Why me? There must be someone else out here with more to offer."

"I'm just a boy. Look at the big man around me. Get them to go get their own food."

"I have just enough for myself."

And finally "What can my 5 loaves and 2 fish do to help everyone."

While all these thoughts might have gone through his mind, or maybe not, these are definitely thoughts that had gone through my mind hundreds, or if not, thousands of times whenever I am placed on the same situation as the boy. "Lord, what can my 5 loaves and 2 fish do?"

"The 5 loaves and 2 fish, when they remain in your hands, they will just be 5 loaves and 2 fish. But when you surrender the 5 loaves and 2 fish to me, Wendy, it will become a miracle dish. Whatever you have, place them in my hands, surrender them to me, and I will do the miracle."

This is the God whom I serve. The God who make miracles. The God who uses my limitation for His great work. Whatever remains in my hands will just be what it is but whatever I choose to place into God's hands, woah... I can't imagine what He can do with them.

Lesser of a proverbs 31 woman

today marks the last day of my secret ambition to be a proverbs 31 woman, the sole provider to the daily needs of my husband and children. coincidentally today is mothers' day and also the start of 'that day' of the month.
tomorrow, my family will be welcoming a new member into our home, our helper whom we engaged to help around the household chores and hopefully prepare meals for the family.
probably around 7 years ago, I've made a decision to give up a career that I'm kind of excelling in to be that support at home while Gabriel works to support the financial part of the family. It was kind of a collaborative plan that we derived and it made total sense as I am better with things at home and with kids than he is. And with me watching the home front, he can be dispatched to 'battle war' anytime. There was never a point that I felt lesser in our roles as I strongly believe that as long as I have his back covered, he can give his best at work and also in church. It's a team effort and our team spirit is strong.
so for the last few years, my job is to ensure that everything at home is properly managed. I take charge of the family accounts, meals, education, maintenance, events including all the family gatherings and also manages family's appointments. I work as gab's pa, reminding him of upcoming ministry needs, reminding him that he needs to meet up with some people or plan some overdue meetings etc etc. my secret desire of a modern proverb woman... I took much pride in being that.
fast forward to today. as i took on my new job, things become slightly different. i begin to realise that i cannot be all in all. i can't even be 3-in-1. my 24 hours do not allow me to fulfil the 3 main duties - work, family, household needs. let allow the many other duties i have to fulfil as a friend, a daughter, a teacher, a listener etc etc. God has been preparing me for this day and i know i have to give up something. the day when i started this search for a household helper, i already knew i am going to relinquish this portion of my role to someone else. this very role that i regarded very highly because my love language to show love to others is by serving. i took pride in washing my family's clothes, in keeping the house neat, in exploring and cooking meals that my family would love. i saw it as my duty as a wife and mother that my family comes home daily with a balanced meal that will make them grow physically. i ensure i watch their diet so that they have a healthy body to fulfil their duties outside the home. all these very very deep passion of mine, i am getting myself ready to slowly transit to someone new to me and my family.
someone new. yes, i am going to pass such highly regarded, very important duties to someone new, i have never met before. i have to entrust such dear things to me to her. it felt like i am giving up a part of my love for my family to a mistress, a deputy mother & wife of this home. (hahahahahaha... yes... what a strange way of putting it).
so today on mother's day, i m a wreck. i cannot reconcile these conflicting emotion of 'yes! my help is coming tomorrow.' and 'ok. tomorrow onwards i m giving the keys (to manage my home) to someone else'
well... so it comes to this final point... why do i want to get a helper then? of course precisely cause i needed help. as i lay down all my current responsibilities, maintaining the cleanliness and doing laundry duties every night is certainly not high in priority. for gab to come home tired every night and still have to handle dishes and trash is also not high in priority. after battling the whole day at work, we both need to come home to be that parent to our children and spouse to each other. we need to rest our body to continue working the next day or have time to reflect that day's event rather than to work to our bones on the lowest priority chores at home. all these chores need to be handled by someone else. and we thank God for his providence, we could afford a helper.
so i guess having a helper is now a need. and though i have to give up that part of MY JOB to someone else, i need to see this as a learning moment.
1) be ready to release things that we hold dearly to. work, ministry, children etc. this is exactly what i always remind myself, all the time. if it is time for my children to leave my side, please let go of my hands. if it is time for me to relinquish my duties in ministry, please humbly let go. yet this very low priority job makes me all emo for a couple of days. ( i decided to blog this so that i remind myself to let go let go let go. when it is time to let go, just let go.)
2) i shouldn't try to be everything and everywhere. God gave me this amount of talent in every season. i invested on being that sole provider of my family. those are the talents God gave me in that season. i multiplied them and i believed God is pleased with whatever i had done for the family. in these few years, we upgrade our house, multiplied the no of family members, seen our children grown in many areas of their lives, served in several ministries that God called us to. now in this season, God is giving me a new set of talents. i have to be that faithful servant to know what his plan is for me and work according to his will and his plans. he planted a new member in my family to take over and give her a set of talents which she has to multiply by serving the family she is being employed to. i m going to help her succeed in being that faithful servant too by kindly giving her the space to work out her potential in her employment. i need to empower her on her duties and not watch over her shoulders and constantly feel that i could do a better job than her.
3) do not make my home/house my idol. hahaha... subconsciously, we idolised. and this afternoon, i just spoke about not to make rearing children an idol and i realised that i might have idolised the idea of being that sole provider to all the needs of my family. i might have idolised the idea of being able to handle everything. i might have idolised the idea of being a supermum.

ok... as u can tell... i sorted my thoughts out. thank God for that hot shower that i could pour out my tears that were buried in my burdened heart. and as the hot tears (or maybe hot shower) flow down with the hot shower, thoughts like these are revealed and precious revelations are surfaced. and as i went to read proverbs 31 again, actually i may not be lesser a proverbs woman (based on v 15, proverb woman has female servantssss).
as forgetful human, who i am definitely one, i need to quickly note all these lessons down. cos i know one day, these lessons will need to be reminded again.

Rejoining my Father & sister at the reunion table

Col 1:9-11 ...asking God to fill you with the knowledge of His will in 

all spiritual wisdom and understanding, 

so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord 

and please him in every way: 

bearing fruit in every good work, 

growing in the knowledge of God, 

being strengthened with all power 

according to His glorious might so that 

you may have full endurance and patience, and joyfully...

Phil 2:14-16 ...Do everything without complaining or arguing, 

so that you may be blameless and pure,

children of God without fault in a crooked and perverse generation, 

in which you shine as lights in the world as you hold forth the word of life, 

in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain...

What is one thing I fear most as I lived as a disciple of Christ? Several years ago (actually many years ago, time flies without me realising it) when I had decided to be serious with my relationship with God, I knew one thing that I am very concerned about is to live a life blameless and pleasing to the Lord. Everything that I do, I seek to please the Lord cos everything will come down to nothing if it doesn't please my Lord, my God, my Abba Father. I am all out to be a God-pleaser. And somewhere along the way, I've learnt that pleasing God is not about the things we do (or not do), rather the attitude of our hearts. It's about the heart of worship, the posture of our daily lives, are we in the position of continuous surrender and continuous worship with a right heart.
During my study of Revelation last year, I came across Rev 20 which mentioned that our deeds were recorded in a book, which will be opened when we all come before the judge. Knowing the Father's heart, I somehow sensed that the deeds is secondary but the attitude in which we carried out these deeds is the primary thing that will be recorded and which we have to account for. While the deeds do earn us some brownie points, the attitude in which they are carried out will be the one which earn us some crowns or a big bungalow in heaven. Therefore, in my daily life, I seek to live this blameless life that is pleasing to the Lord.
Beginning of this year, I listened to the teaching from Benny Ho on the fear of the Lord. Prov 9:10 "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Now even to start having the knowledge of our God and in having that wisdom and understanding of our God, there comes something before all these. And that's to have the fear of the Lord. In having the fear of the Lord, to me, is to be in reverence of the Lord. To know that God is God and I have to take Him as God that I worship and not someone whom I can fool around with. "This fear of the Lord opens up the treasure box of wisdom and knowledge of understanding" (extracted from Benny's message) and without the fear of the Lord, we fall into the danger of the evil snares.
So this is the prime part of today's blog, something that I want to put down on record to remember and remind myself how easy I can be the target of my deceitful heart. I confessed in cell group today regarding an episode of my wrong attitude in my heart. A seed of envy & bitterness that was unknowingly planted some time ago which I could break free from as I confessed my wrongs before a trusted group of friends. As we studied the 2 characters of 'Prodigal God', I realised that I fell into the category of the 'elder brother' as I felt that it wasn't fair that God spoke to a sister, who was away from God for some time, who spoke hurtful words to me, who wasn't serving as I slogged and endured all the hardship and at the same time 'served' and be there for her, so intimately, yet God didn't speak to me the same way that He did to her (or at least that what I thought). I (think) I knew I was entangled in this hard feelings for a couple of weeks, yet I felt that my feelings were justifiable because she had done me wrong by hurting me.
As the evening unfolds, as we shared about the attitude of the elder brother. As we discussed and agreed that this attitude is something that is extremely unpleasing to God and that's why Jesus used this parable not to actually bring out the wrongs of the younger brother who left and returned but rather the fact that the big brother who was also with the Father, yet far away from the Father at the same time. While the younger brother did left the Father, he had returned to the Father's side and the relationship had been restored. But the elder brother, by refusing to be part of the feast to celebrate his younger brother's return was truly the one who was far from the Father and outside the Father's house.
Then the amazing part that touched me was that the Father came out to plead with the elder brother to come in and join in the feast. The feast is not over. But if I do not return into the house, I might truly missed out on the great feast which my Father wanted me to be part of too. And if I do not return to the house, I might truly be standing out of His house just watching and brewing more bitterness while the feast continues in the house. Where do I want to be? If I want to live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, then I need to return to the Father. And so this evening, I confessed my wrong attitude as a big brother. And I thank God that He revealed this very subtle part of me which could possible go hidden for the rest of my life and man, what will I be missing out at the feast? 

Presence

Struggles struggles, struggles are so real in each day of our lives. We are bounded by our struggles because they are the kind that drag you down into the water the more you try to break free. The wounds get deeper and it hurts more when we engage into this break free mode from the struggle.

Over the past few months, I struggled with the fact that I do not what I'm doing. I'm not sure if I'm doing right what I'm doing. I'm pretty much going through the motion, following instructions and as much as God's presence has been strong in my life, yet I felt Him missing the area of the ministry, this particular part which I am struggling the most and seeking Him most earnestly, He is missing, He went MIA, He went comms silent. Every moment, I dug myself into His presence, trying so ever hard to hear from the Lord, "what God?" "what's next?" "how how? Like that can?" But this particular part of my seeking was just ... ... ...

After a long conversation with a friend whom I very frankly revealed this struggle to last night, this morning I woke up, not feeling like I had revelation or whatsoever but the need to get into His presence once again. Just to dwell and be drenched again by the holiness of our God. The need to drink from His living water so that the dry patch will be moist again. The need to sit at His feet and do the one thing that is needful.

"Holy Holy are you Lord
The whole earth is filled with your glory
Let the nations rise to give
Honour and praise to you name

Let your face shine on us
As the world will know you lives

All the heaven shouts your praise
Beautiful is our God
The universe will sing
Hallelujah to you our king"

I love how God works in the way He works.
This morning's prayer devotion (from Tim Keller 14 days prayer devotion) started with the question. Which is the ultimate form of prayer? Is it peaceful adoration or assertive supplication?
It went on to show the Psalmist's way of prayer. First, the primary thing David asked of in his prayer was 'to gaze on the beauty of the Lord'. Holy holy are you Lord. The whole earth is FILLED with your glory. Lord, open my eyes to see the beauty of the Lord and to see the glory that is so evident everywhere. David's greatest desire is to be in the Lord's presence. This is the communion-seeking prayer. A prayer of just being with God. I missed so much just being about to gaze into the beauty of the Lord. Because His love is better than life1.

Next was that David lifted his struggles to the Lord and many times, God did stay silent to David. David will then continue his conversation with God by submitting to God's sovereignty yet continues to wrestle with the Lord. This is kingdom-seeking prayer.

As I sing hallelujah to my king, it's all about ascribing greatness to my King. Giving him glory and honour due to His great and mighty name! The heart of singing hallelujah must be one that fully lift my hands and my heart and my soul, with full gusto, with full conviction that says "HALLELUJAH to you my King!"

1. Psalm 63:1-3 I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

some parts are extracted from Tim Keller Prayer: A 14-Day Devotional 

Take my will, let my life be wholly thine

For the last couple of days, I have been asking myself, what could have gone wrong? What could be done? Is there anything that can help the situation? Desperation again. And desperation only drives me to one point. Desperation drives me to God. To seek Him for that answer that I believe can solve the impossible problem. My mind is just filled with the situation, the problem, the people that are hurting. My heart is hurting too. My eyes are often filled with tears. I know deep in my heart, these are people with love for God, love for His people, love for His ministry. Yet they can't seems to find a way out, they can't find peace with one another, they are holding on for that passion they have but they are also wondering if they should give up because that passion is diminishing. 

How, God, how do we help people to serve you without feeling hurt or hurting one another? 

So after dwelling in this for the last few days, after spending time praying and worshipping, after talking to my pal, and after coming to my own conclusion that this is not the burden that I should be taking up, this song came and as usual, a song that speaks so loud that I know the answer lies in this song.

Fill my eyes oh my Lord 

With a vision of the cross.

Fill my heart 

With love for Jesus, the Nazarene.

Fill my mouth with thy praise, 

Let me sing through endless days

Take my will, 

Let my life be wholly thine.

The composer of the song probably knew that we are often distracted, disheartened, disillusion by things around us. We get upset, angry with situation. We give in and then give up. We blame people, we blame the church, we blame the leaders, we blame everyone. And so when this song is written, he probably had in mind that in every situation we are in, if we had filled our eyes with the problems we see before us, if we had filled our hearts with anger and disappointment and if we had filled our mouths with complains and angry words, we would have lost the true meaning of following and serving God. 

But this is not how it should be. That our eyes should be kept at the cross, and that vision of the cross is a symbol of love & sacrifice for the reconciliation of man to God. There is pain, blood and even death at the cross, but then again the cross of Jesus is different from the rest. There is also hope, love & life (resurrection).

And in our hearts, Jesus and only Jesus should be enthroned. And only when our hearts is fully occupied by Christ alone, we can understand the love for people that surpasses all knowledge. We will then not be concerned about the things people do or do not do but we will truly be concerned about the person because Jesus' heart is for His people.

Eph 3:16-19 "...out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

And our mouths are such powerful weapons, that could either build or destroy. Our mouth can be a fountain of life* or an instrument used by the devil who is full of lies. And so we filled our mouths with praises. We need to replace angry words with words of kindness and encouragement. And if we find it so hard to speak good, then praise God first. There is no wrong in God so there could only be praises. 

When we can fill us our eyes with the vision of the cross, our hearts with love for Jesus, our mouths with praise, when we can do these things, I think we can then be in total surrender to God and say, this situation, this impossible, insolvable situation, God, not my will but yours be done. 

The outcome seems to be the same. But the posture is different. The first outcome is giving up and the latter is lifting up. The first reaction is God, this is beyond me so I am not going to be bothered by it anymore because I can't think of a solution. The latter is surrender unto the Lord because I have my eyes fixed on Him. The latter is understanding that GOD is in full control, not man. He is our sovereign God.

*Prov 10:11 The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.

Divine Exchange

Coming into the presence of my Father is such a sweet and liberating experience. So drawn into His awesomeness, so caught up by His love and grace and mercy upon my life and the lives around me. A chance to download all my burden unto Him in exchange for His yoke which is light.
I have been caught up in the divine exchange with my Father. I sing till I cry and I cry till I am left with no more tears. I have lifted up my pain, my shame, my gain all to Him. The greedy me wants more from the Lord. Show me more, give me more, I can do more, I want to do more, I want to be more.
And my Father slows me down. He brought me into His presence. He wants me to be undone. To come to Him in total surrender. My state of undone-ness is one where my hands are wide open to the Lord.
And at this moment, I do not grasp on to anything. I come undone. I do not demand of anything. I come undone. I have nothing to offer. I come undone. I am just a child right now. I come undone. And in my undone-ness, my Father, my Lord started His work in me. The power that charges me up is doing its work. The living water is quenching my thirsty soul. His love, His peace, His joy is finding its way back again. I am living and breathing again. Thank You Father.

My heart is captivated Lord, by You alone

captured by the awesomeness of You alone

melted by the grace and mercy You have shown

I stand in wonder

I reach to you the one who make the blind eyes see

who breaks the chains of sickness with authority

restoring of what was broken so it may fly again

I live to worship you

I breathe to worship to you

all of my days, your face I'll seek

For as I worship you

You lead me to that place

To that place of divine exchange

Romans 8:35, 37-39

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

A Steadfast Heart

Psalms 112:4-6

"Light arises in the darkness for the upright;

            He is gracious and compassionate and righteous.

It is well with the man who is gracious and lends;

            He will maintain his cause in judgment.

For he will never be shaken;

            The righteous will be remembered forever.

He will not fear evil tidings;

            His heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.

His heart is upheld, he will not fear,

            Until he looks with satisfaction on his adversaries."

Be steadfast. Do not be shaken. Do not fear. Trust the Lord. Be gracious, compassionate and righteous.

In today's world where we no longer clearly differentiate the right from wrong, the light from darkness. Where everything is ok and everything is grey. We need to hold on to the compass that shows us the direction. Do not depend on tides and waves but to allow God to navigate. 

Praying for a friend who is in need to be firm and steadfast, that we can all find comfort and strength through our God. Simply because we all know that no one else can do a greater job than God himself. These are not mere words that are spoken easily out of my mouth, but words of conviction that I shall engrave in my heart too. Steadfastness. God is my anchor.